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~onholiday6:icononholiday6:

Megan  
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How low do you have to be...

Journal Entry: Mon May 19, 2008, 7:01 AM
  • Mood: Miserable
  • Listening to: Sick Hearts - The Used
When you make your boyfriend almost kill himself... and you turn against your best friend and make him hate you because he thought he could trust you, he thought he could love you because you tricked him into loving you...

How low do you have to be when you push the ones you love away to the point where you can't even tell your own boyfriend, your own backbone, things because you're afraid you're going to make him lash out or want to die again...

How low do you have to be when you realize that you need to talk to someone late at night but realize the one person who would accept your late night calls is gone...

How low do you have to be when you realize that you basically have no one left that truly understands the situation anymore and can honestly help you...

How low do you have to be to realize you truly fucked up... and you have no reason to live...

I think I've finally hit rock bottom. Even more of a rock bottom than eighth grade, and that's when I tried to kill myself for the first time...

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've lost anyone that really matters to me anymore. I've pushed everyone away. I've made everyone miserable. But most importantly, I've lost the will to live. I've made my boyfriend lose the will to live. I made my best friend realize he can't trust ANYONE when he FINALLY thought he could trust at least one person in his life.

I've fucked up.
Again.

Devious Comments

love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 1 1 neutral 0 0

~Lyssabit:iconLyssabit: May 19, 2008, 11:07:25 AM Mood: Fear
No. You did not fuck up. Him telling you these things, it's to just try and get you back. He will not change his ways, and it will be the same all over again. You have to trust me, Megan. Please. And you can call me whenever you want, just ask me for my phone number. Please trust me. He isn't going to stop living and stop trusting people after you, he will just find another girl with low self esteem to prey on. Please please please believe me.

--
"This is Jezabel in Hell. I wanna kill you- I wanna blow you... away"~ Poe
"Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?" ~ Rob Zombie
~onholiday6:icononholiday6: May 19, 2008, 2:27:24 PM
Thank you Alyssa. I really needed to hear that. But what really killed me is that Collin almost killed himself over shit I SAID, shit I DID. And I put him through hell this WHOLE TIME I was friends with Mike and he wouldn't say a thing, he would just sit in a corner harming himself wondering when his own girlfriend was going to leave him for another man. And THAT killed me.

--
Don't talk about it, write it down, but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
~Lyssabit:iconLyssabit: May 19, 2008, 2:32:05 PM
As long as you are smart enough to not do it sweetie. Don't let him fool you into thinking that he won't care for anyone else like he 'cares' for you. Don't let him make you think that no one will ever be as trused as you were. It's lies. Don't even talk to him.

--
"This is Jezabel in Hell. I wanna kill you- I wanna blow you... away"~ Poe
"Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?" ~ Rob Zombie
~littlelisa637:iconlittlelisa637: May 19, 2008, 2:52:55 PM
Poor Megan. I'm sure all of this cannot be your fault, probably none of it is your fault. Just a terribly bad string of coinsidences. You know even though we had that fight and we didn't talk for a while you can still talk to me. I would accept a late night call from you, assuming I heard my phone ringing. You can always talk to me. Please don't kill yourself, too many people love you and care about you for you to do that.

--
I :heart: you
~sharpestlives:iconsharpestlives: May 19, 2008, 4:14:02 PM
Awh Megan, please don't put that blame on yourself. You never meant to hurt Collin, I'm sure of it. As far as Mike, you did the right thing. Honestly. I know it's hard when friendships end like that, but I think you did the right thing. And if you ever need someone to answer a late night call, I'm always here, whether or not you use it anyway. Hang in there. <3

--
Just turn your head and walk away.
~WindCollision111000:iconWindCollision111000: May 19, 2008, 4:41:29 PM
Its all ok. Theres alot keeping me from death. I think even if I attempted, I would just survive again. It seems I can never die. The day I die alone, a tornado will come. The day we die together, a hurricane will come.

I know its hard loosing Mike as your friend, and its hard listening to me because even though I want whats in YOUR best interests, its easy to call me a biast opinion. I really do believe this is the best thing. Hes greatly interfered with MY life, hes greatly interfered with YOUR life, and hes greatly interfered with OUR RELATIONSHIP. If I did kill myself over this, he would take such great pride in knowing he had some involvement to my death and he would just immediatly go straight after you. Again, you should really listen to someone who knows Mike's ways truely better than anyone else because its all happened to them before...
~onholiday6:icononholiday6: May 19, 2008, 5:59:40 PM
Yeah, I know. I don't trust a word out of his mouth anymore.

--
Don't talk about it, write it down, but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
~onholiday6:icononholiday6: May 19, 2008, 6:00:42 PM
Thanks Lisa =] That means a lot to me. But it is kinda my fault, because I threatened to break up with Collin and he went off and threatened to kill himself and ugh.

--
Don't talk about it, write it down, but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
~onholiday6:icononholiday6: May 19, 2008, 6:03:47 PM
Thanks Ash =] I'm glad the whole Brad thing didn't affect us that badly. I mean, we're talking just like we used to, and that feels so great to me. Thank you for being there for me so much lately =]

--
Don't talk about it, write it down, but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
~onholiday6:icononholiday6: May 19, 2008, 6:04:52 PM
Meh...

--
Don't talk about it, write it down, but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
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